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As my youngest staggered into my room the other morning and assumed her usual snuggle position on my lap, I began thinking about all the little traditions that make a family, a family. There are so many little things that tie us together, from the way my daughter has always laid a certain direction for her snuggles, to where each of us sits at the dinner table.

When we talk about family traditions, most of us think about how our family celebrates holidays and other special days of the year. While those are nice, they are not really what holds us together day to day. It is the much smaller things, just like all the little knots holding a tied-quilt together.

Even though people in a family may share a similar history or genetics, they usually have very different personalities. Just as a quilt would be boring with only one color of fabric, a family would be boring if everyone was the same. God designs each of our families with the personalities He wants in them. Some of us may be solid color quilt blocks and some of us like the quilt above, may be zebra striped! When we are bonded together with all of our unique gifts and quirks, we turn into something more than we can be on our own.

It is the same with our larger family of brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all unique and special on our own, but when we become unified through the ties of love that Jesus taught, we become so much more. This summer my church has been going through the book of Colossians. In chapter three, Paul tells us specifically how to live together as the family of God. He uses the image of our bodies instead of a quilt, but the idea is the same. We have one body, but many different members. In verses twelve through seventeen, he lists out all of the “ties” that can bind us together in unity. He also says to put on love over all of these. Using the image of the quilt again, I picture the love that he is talking about as the warmth that a well-made quilt provides.

I am grateful for all the little ways my family is tied together from the quirky: we have to use the same spoon to stir the cheese into the macaroni noodles every time; to the sweet: my younger children sound like the Waltons going to bed. I pray that as the larger family of God, we can continue to work toward that bond of unity by tying ourselves together with all the virtues listed in Colossians and covering them all over with love.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14

With so many people in our house, we have to label cups with each person’s name, otherwise we could dirty an untold number of cups every single day. Recently, my youngest daughter was lining everyone’s cup up in order on the counter. She was very proud of herself and wanted to read all the names to me. I assumed she would start oldest to youngest, but I was mistaken. She started with the most important person, herself, and went youngest to oldest!

Now being the youngest of such a large family, she is naturally a little spoiled. By the time she came around she was surrounded by doting siblings. Unfortunately, this has led to a few issues that we need to work on with her, such as not always putting herself first. However, the more I though about it, the more I realized that this is something most of us do whether we are the youngest in our family or not.

There are not too many humans who would naturally put others before themselves without first being taught the concept. Our natural tendency is to look out for number one. Even when we know better, it is sometimes hard to put others first, especially when that other is someone we don’t even particularly like.

Our culture screams at us to focus on ourselves. We are told we are worth it and we deserve it. We chase “likes” and followers. We post selfies. This is why Jesus’ teaching on the subject can seem so startling. Not only is His teaching contrary to our nature, it is counter-cultural as well.

It turns out that this is nothing new, the culture of Jesus’ day had the same problems going on, just with less technology. In a conversation with His disciples Jesus revealed how they needed to live, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)

This may be a difficult teaching for some of us, my daughter included. However, when we follow Jesus’ advice there are unexpected results. We actually can find joy in serving others and more peace. Another time when He was teaching He also said, “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Talk about a surprising, counter-cultural result!

Nowhere is this truer than with children. As soon as one of my kids perceives the slightest injustice to themselves, they want to make sure that at least one of their siblings is just as miserable.

This mostly centers around chores and responsibilities at home. This can include anything from doing the dishes to doing schoolwork. The questions come fast and furious:

“Why doesn’t he have to do the dishes?”

“Why isn’t she doing math?”

“Why do I have to sweep?”

Evidently they want their siblings to share in the misery of the moment. What actually happens, though, is they make us as parents miserable!

I have lost count of the number of times that I have explained that everyone has their own chores/homework to do, that nobody has to do more than anyone else, and that if they would just do it when it is time to do it, they would be done quickly.

Hopefully someday soon, my younger children will figure all of this out just like their older siblings have (for the most part) and quickly take care of their responsibilities and move on with other things that are more enjoyable. Maybe they will even find it in themselves to help each other with chores and complete them even quicker.

I am not sure what it is in human nature that makes us feel just a little bit better to know someone else is suffering too. This is definitely not one of our finer qualities! When we can show sympathy and even empathy, it is so much better. In a way, Jesus while here in human form, turned this tendency on its head.

Instead of requiring us to each go through the suffering and punishment of the cross that we all deserve, He put Himself in our places. He did warn us that there would be tough things to go through, but He promised to always be with us even then. Jesus finds absolutely no pleasure in our suffering. Instead, Jesus wants to free us from our pain and eventually, if we believe in Him and allow Him to forgive us, He will welcome us to a place where, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4

During the height of the Covid quarantine, my younger kids would go a little stir-crazy because they were not allowed to go play with their friends. Their solution was to meet their friends down at the fence, each group of siblings “socially distanced” on their respective sides. They would have a great time, but it was unnatural for all of them.

People have always been amazed that despite the large size of our family, we do not have a very big house. Something we noticed very early on in parenting, is that children are natural herd-animals. The kids would always be in a little clump throughout the day. It really wasn’t until they were teenagers that they separated from the pack and even then they stay fairly physically close to each other. We really didn’t need a large house because they don’t spread out.

The funny thing was that it wasn’t just a sibling thing. I remember having their friends over when they were all still young and no matter how many kids it might end up being, they would move amoeba-like wherever and whatever they were doing!

I have observed this closeness among kids on up into their young twenties. They seem to innately know that they need each other, that there is comfort in togetherness. The sad thing is as we grow older we seem to lose this knowledge. Instead of staying close with others, we can begin erecting fences of our own to keep us safe. After all, by the time we are adults, most of us have experienced some kind of hurt that we don’t want to experience again. I am not talking about healthy boundaries. All of us, including children, need to have good boundaries in place. These are more like walled-off places in our hearts.

The problem with these kind of walls is that not only do they keep other people out, they also keep God out. We are essentially telling Him that these areas of our souls are too broken for even Him to enter into. This couldn’t be further from the truth. God is willing to come into all of our areas of hurt and to heal our hearts.

My children were so excited the day they were finally physically reunited with their friends. The fence was no longer a barrier between them. Now it was simply a passageway between their yards. I believe this is what God wants to do with our fences as well. He wants to use them as passageways to greater healing in our lives and also as ways to reach other people. They become stories of victory and encouragement to share with others.

“…with my God I can scale a wall.” Psalm 18:29b

As you all know by now, I am a people person. I am blessed with many friends whom I love dearly and this is such a blessing to me. Every now and then, though, one of my friends will hand me a huge, heavy boulder.

The first time this happened, I didn’t know what to do. For awhile I tried carrying it around with me. After all, it was something very important to my friend so it seemed wrong to just stick it in a closet or set it on a shelf. The problem was that is was, well, heavy.

I also found that it got in the way of doing other things. As long as I was holding one friend’s boulder, I couldn’t seem to get close to other friends and I most certainly couldn’t carry anyone else’s boulder, my arms were full!

The boulder began to turn into a strange pet of sorts. I couldn’t seem to part from it, but it was also very demanding of my emotions. Instead of getting lighter, the boulder seemed to get heavier the longer I held it. As much as I longed to set it down, that didn’t appear to be the right solution. How could I leave it sitting there alone?

Finally, I heard a still, small voice tell me what to do. “Give it up.” Up? How could I lift this thing up, it is heavy! Again, “give it up.” And so I lifted, slowly, slowly. As I did, I felt God’s gentle hands reach down carry it up the rest of the way to Him.

I learned that I was never meant to carry people’s hurts and burdens their, “boulders,” most of the time people aren’t even desiring that. I am meant to lovingly listen and then carry those hurts straight to God for Him to heal. Sometimes, when I hear something especially heavy, I will even physically go through the motion of handing it up to Him. I can be confident that He loves my friends even more than I do and that I can trust their burdens, and them, to Him.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your cares on Him because He cares for you.” I Peter 5:6-7